i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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