I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
