Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
