She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
