So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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