thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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