If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
