I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
