i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We are all done wearing pants today
I love you. Go after that dick
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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