I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
