I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
