my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think my moral compass just broke
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