you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
