i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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