this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
