yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
