beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
