if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
