Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
