im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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