He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
