you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
