Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i came on her dog
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
