morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We left the knife in your bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
