The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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