you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
