Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
