you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
