Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
