I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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