How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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