My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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