Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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