you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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