Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
