i just wanna soil my oats bro
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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