It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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