i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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