Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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