Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
