this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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