checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
