I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
