I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
