i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
