saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
