Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
