fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
