and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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