I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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