I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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