I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
