a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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