Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
