He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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